Stress, fatigue and the never ending battle (filler post)

One day I hope to live at least one full year of feeling like I can do anything. What do I mean by that? Well, in the last 8 years I have suffered from horrendous waves of fatigue. I am unsure what it is coming from exactly. I have tried numerous doctors, many have ignored my plea to fix my exhaustion. I am told I am a healthy young women. That statement does no good when I feel so exhausted I cry because I look at my children and I know I cant give them the best of me all the time. It eats at me, in my mind I come up with all these great ideas and projects and fun activities I can do with them but my body can barely lift a cup from the table to my mouth without feeling like I ran a marathon. My joints ache, my fingers twitch uncontrollably, my skin burns and some areas feel like they are going numb. I don’t know about you, but if a healthy young women cant do basic tasks without feelings of exertion, it seems like there might be more to investigate.

I have had doctors check my basic blood panel. Red cells, white cells, potassium, glucose etc. etc. I have, in random cases, been told I have low potassium, thyroid, and iron deficiency.  My Iron is normal, and I take Iron daily so that means yes, I am still anemic. My thyroid and potassium have returned to normal on their own. In my past I have had cortisol levels too high and sometimes they are too low. I have had pituitary interference with my prolactin because of some anti-psychotic the nurse practitioner put me on when my diagnosis was “bipolar”. That fixed itself shortly after the removal of the medication. I have blood tests done for my kidneys and those numbers fluctuate as well, if one is good the others are bad, if the others are bad, one is good. No one seems to really be concerned. My fatigue is getting worse it feels like. I do not feel depressed but what do I know. I do know not being able to recharge and go back to my “normal” energy does tend to cause depression. The other idea most doctors have is stress.

I am mentally and emotionally stressed. That is so true. My ex is on and off my mind day in and day out. Sometimes wondering if this will all pass and he will be a better person soon. Maybe he is just a big jerk face and doesn’t have good experience in forgiveness but one day it will dawn on him that in order for us all to live peacefully, he will have to forgive, forget and move on. I know I have tried. The thing is, I could go on living my life as if nothing ever happened, I could drop off and pick up the kids with no pain or anger. I could hang out with him and his lady and become friends in a heartbeat. I just really want this anger and hurtful person he is to go away. I want to live a comfortable life knowing the kids and I are financially and mentally stable. I want to shake hands and forgive each other. I want our kids to know that it is possible to move on from a painful relationship and see that good can come from bad.

I cant because he wont let that happen.

My stress level is continuously high. My mind thinks, rethinks, recycles those thoughts, and overthinks my past, present and future. I fear what hasn’t even come yet because it seems like the pain just doesn’t stop. The thoughts of organizing this blog has drained me some mentally. I wanted this to be a place to post emails and texts, to get my “voice” heard, to get opinions on what was going on between him and I. It is very difficult to organize all that. Especially when you do not know where to start from. Especially when you finally do set down to begin somewhere and you read a few tests, the PTSD starts up, anxiety sets in, flashbacks revisit and meltdowns take place. Stress? lol…. what stress?

Right now I am dealing with false accusations. In my last post I explained what he is taking me to court for withholding timeshare and extending legal matters forcing him to acquire more legal fees. This man has made less and less efforts in the last week to talk to his kids. Yes, in all fairness they do not seem as interested in talking to him as they did a few months ago, but in all fairness to them, how are they to keep interest in someone they don’t ever see? He didn’t even call them on the Fourth Of July. He had the whole day off and didn’t put effort into calling. Not even once to wish them a happy fourth. I have recently sent him emails that inform him of our sons GI visits and any changes that have occurred in treatment and how he is handling them. I sent him information on our daughters next swallow study in October. I also informed him our kids were taking up skating for the summer. It was the cheapest activity I could find for them. I am pretty broke. 25 dollars for a half hour lesson. The kids have to share the half hour because I am broke and cant afford them to have their own half hour. I informed him on how well our daughter was doing with skating and how she would benefit having her own half hour. I asked him to put 25 dollars each week to allow our kids to have their own half hour and get more out of this opportunity. In all of this information. He did not respond. I have sent three emails keeping him up to date and in the loop and he has not responded to any of them. I have done this since I left him. I have included him in on doctor appointments, school meetings, extracurricular activities and he has not once shown true interest in any of it.

Money is a huge stressor. I guess its hard to not feel tired and stressed when you feel so broke all the time. Here is a look at my basic monthly finances:

1,395 a month for rent plus a dollar and change now because they are charging us to pay through the company portal

150-190 in electricity

140 for internet and t.v (this I am working on convincing my husband to reduce as we do not watch much t.v in this house but we need internet for my schooling)

11 for Netflix (just because we are married doesn’t mean we don’t Netflix and chill hahahah… sigh)

25-29 for water

523 for car payment (this was an accident and a confusing mess and we are stuck with it now till we can return it in a year)

90 for pest control

210 for car insurance

23 for renters insurance (because I make fire happen on the stove a lot)

90 total for our two phones

150 into credit card #1

100 into credit card #2

100 into savings twice a month. (we have not been able to do this last two paychecks because his paychecks have been lower than normal, we were doing so good!)

Then of course about 40 for gas in the car and the kids night pants, sons Miralax, daughters thickener and daughters social schooling once a week about an hour away from here.

200 A month to the lawyer

25 for half hour of skating

The total here is around 3,380 my husband makes 1300 on his lowest checks that’s 2,600 a month and my 901 each month is 3,501 plus my kids 214 each a month is 3,715. So we have a total of  335 dollars left each month.

Then you add in my bad tooth that needs a cap by the 7th of August for 900 dollars, I tried to put money aside for it but we ended up needing a lawn mower badly. We got the cheapest we could get without going too cheap. It was about 180 and we had to use our savings for that. 335 dollars to use for a month. That’s one trip to the grocery store a month to get odds and ends and meats. The rest of the month we go to food pantries. My husband has a 70 dollar copay coming up because of cysts that have been getting bigger around his ears and they are bothering him. He also needs his eyes rechecked and he lost his glasses so he is driving around with blurred vision -.- This past month and this month we paid out 80 dollars total for two tags to put on our vehicles. Sorry 335 dollars is not a lot to live on in a month with 2 kids and 2 adults. That’s 164 dollars each paycheck we are able to stretch till the next one, he gets paid bi weekly.

The money stresses me out because we work so hard to keep our budget tight so we have money to survive on for two weeks. We have to hope nothing big happens so we don’t have to dig into our savings. We have to hope we have enough to pay the lawyer each month especially now that I am being taken to court for something so ridiculous… I cant just do fun things with my kids. I cant take them to the garden place like I used to when I lived with my ex. He has no rent. He has a high paying job. He has someone else who lives with him, his girlfriend, who also has a high paying job. He was able to get rid of my car so he is back to only paying one car. He has not other responsibilities and contributes nothing for child support. All I want to do is have money to go to the dollar store and put together crafts for the kids. I want to organize my house so I can work on my crafting corner and my filing cabinet to hold all the kids awesome art works and projects and medical information etc. I want to give them a room that has more organization to it. I want to not feel overwhelmed with all this stuff around me because we cant afford storage. I want to have fun with my kids… that’s the main reason I would like extra money. To build up the things I promised them I would build up before I had to put money into a lawyer. The more I think about how I cant keep my promises to them because of money, the more down I feel. They understand… to some degree. They are only 3 and 6 but they seem to take me saying “sorry kids, not this week, maybe next month we can work on doing ___”. They love me and hug me and say its okay mommy. They really are the best. It doesn’t help me be less stressed about wanting to give them more though. I am tired of struggling.

Another stress related to time and money: My husband and I still have not had a honeymoon. We wanted to go on a road trip. In less than two weeks it will be our one year anniversary and we still do not have money to go on our “honeymoon” or even take a weekend to ourselves. My ex has been on so many “vacations” and even went to North Carolina for his fathers day weekend with his lady. It must be nice to have no responsibilities and “extra expenses”. Luckily my kids have a mom who puts them first because their dad sure doesn’t. He didn’t when we were together. We were broke a lot. I have no idea how we were so broke living rent free, I didn’t have control of the money. He did. I have rent and I am still able to push 100 in the savings at least every other month. How the hell did we not save?? Sigh. I tried to budget. He wouldn’t follow it. He just didn’t care about anyone but himself. He saw my trying to budget as a way to “control” him and take things away he liked. *roll my eyes* Anyhow, so as much as I love my munchkins… I REALLY would love a week away with my husband. He and I have so much fun together and its not often we do anything outside the house, without kids, to be just us together. In due time, I just keep hoping it will come sooner or later.

Now in all honesty, its taken me a bit of an hour to write all this. I am exhausted and I want to sleep but my mind needs to be released after not writing for a few days. I am glad we do not have money to go anywhere right now. I would be the most miserably tired wife so maybe its not so bad to not go anywhere. Or maybe I am fatigued because I do not go anywhere.

My therapist thinks most my fatigue is caused by my ex. Triggers from PTSD can cause stress and exertion. Money stress. Diet. My mind being disorganized along with my house. I am terribly exhausted though I take vitamins and iron, I am very petite and I drink lots of water. Before this court ordeal I was feeling fine. Soon after, it felt like all the stress and energy was piling on and draining out. Heres to a better tomorrow.

I know this post was a ranting post. I am very tired and I just needed a break from my thoughts. Till next time gadget….

 

 

What really goes on (him vs me)

My ex filed a motion. July 17th, a day before my 1 year anniversary with my (amazing) husband. Yay for me. Thank you ex for giving me such a wonderful anniversary present. (sarcasm).

The motion is filed for me withholding the children and not allowing timeshare. Of course, its bullshit. Pure and utter bullshit. I have. I have proof I have. I have proof he ignores my options. I have proof he does not ask to have them. I have proof he only demands to have them when and how he wants them. As in over night. He accuses me of not allowing any timeshare. I cant create a back and fourth schedule if he is uncooperative. If I say, “You can have the kids and see them any time you want if you make time for them all you CANT do is take them for long hours or overnight till you agree to give our daughter her medication” He comes back with “This is just you trying to control me” *I roll my eyes* or ” Its not about me making time for them, its about you keeping them from me for no reason” *roll my eyes and giggle slightly* So as he is accusing me of keeping them from him, he is not offering times, dates, days, places to meet up etc. Each email is about me withholding, me saying I am not and he can see them, and him calling me a lying control freak. Circles. He loves to engage in circle conversations. He is “fishing” for a reaction, the kind I use to give. I rarely ever, give that anymore so eventually he gets tired of me working with him and he stops messaging me. Or he will be so ridiculous and say things unrelated to the children that I just ignore him. If he doesn’t respond to me, its not a big deal. If I don’t respond to him, then I am ignoring my responsibilities and being controlling.(This is his thought process on him being in the right with his actions and me being in the wrong with my actions, even if they are the same thing he does). Its a double standard battle that will never be over.

He is so “desperate” to see his kids that he DID NOT EVEN ASK to spend time with them on the ONE DAY a year, that celebrates him being a father. Fathers Day. Instead, he went on vacation with his girlfriend to North Carolina. Some worried and sad father. He came back on Fathers Day late. Yes, I had the kids make him a Fathers Day Mad Libs, a card, and answer questions about their dad. My son had a lot of trouble answering. Not because I have kept them since February due to medical reasons, but because he said “Mommy, I don’t know what I like to do with Daddy the most when I am with him because when I was with him back and fourth with you, we didn’t do anything fun together.” My poor son. I encouraged him to think of a time it was just him and Daddy. He wrote down the time he did a Pumpkin Jack o lantern. In October of 2016. I took the kids in February. His father spends time with them, but its always with other people around. His mom, his girlfriend, his friends and their kids, his family. Its not many occasions my son gets time with JUST his dad. His dad does not seem to understand why that is important for the kids. His answer was always, “they love being around so and so” or “they seemed fine”. It breaks my heart they want daddy time and he feels its more important to be with other people when he has his kids. Not to  mention the rare times he saw his kids, the first night he would get them back they would stay the night at their Grandmothers so he could go out to Karaoke every Monday. I fought that for a year. His response? “You are trying to control me” and “The kids don’t need me when they are sleeping”. Well, you can tell who did most of the late nights in the last six years! Not him! Kids DO need their parents when they sleep. Just not all the time. Now please understand, I am not against him or I going out for a night or even a weekend away. I know adults need to be adults sometimes. I am merely stating how he did this every week. He worked overtime around then, and barely saw the kids. You would think a father who wanted to see his kids so much, would be willing to switch his nights or give up his karaoke to spend more time with his children when he got the chance to see them right? You would think. Its all a show though. He looks like a good father because that’s what he wants people on his “side” to see. Its why he needs people around and also I think it takes some responsibility off him to have others involved. He lies about me keeping them from him. He makes me out to be a horrible unreasonable person who is controlling, manipulating and lying, when he is really the one doing it. Projection.

So this motion. I have no idea how its going to turn out. My lawyer says I have enough on him to show my participation. My willingness and offers are more than acceptable and courteous. There is more to this, but legally, I guess what happens in mediation, stays in mediation. Another thing on the motion, he wants me to pay HIS lawyer and court costs! For me dragging this out. For ME? DRAGGING? Its so frustrating because I offered another mediation before this, which is CHEAPER than court and to be face to face so we could really hash out the real concernes for both parties. He is taking me to COURT. Which is more expensive. My lawyer says that none of his actions make sense. How this is a simple issue with simple solutions. My ex refuses to do mediation. Blaming that again, on me.

Am I perfect? No. Do I agree with him and everything that goes on all the time? No. Does he expect me to? Yes. Am I going to? No. I will fight his ridiculous accusations. I have not been in the wrong. I am doing everything and offering everything I can to accomidate him and protect our kids. They deserve sanity and cooperation. He wants to play games, who is better than who and how can I get her to fold.

All he has to do is sign a paper that says he is giving his daughter proper meds. He didn’t want to. That’s all that kept him from taking them over night. That’s it. I have offered him to visit. To meet up with the kids. To sign a paper if he takes them for an hour or more stating he gives her said meds if out. He wont, doesn’t, refuses and ignores.

He has tried to call me insane. Accusing me of Munchhausen syndrome. My son takes Miralax for bowels and my daughter takes thickener for aspiration issues. WOW, I am so crazy. Both children have had their meds reduced over the last year which is showing improvement. My daughter kind of goes back and fourth. It might be something she needs forever. It might be something she can continue to get reduced. Only time will tell. I have invited him to doctor appointments. I have agreed to getting second opinions if he needed too feel better about the diagnosis and treatments (he set up an appointment for a second opinion, told me the date and the area,  but he never told me the place, name of doctor or time, it got close to the date, he took his time off for it but didn’t go because he didn’t tell me any more information and didn’t seem to concerned to give it to me so she could be there). I have given him updates and directions for what the doctors suggest and copies of the doctor notes. He doesn’t ever ask for any of this.

This is what it is like to “co-parent” with a (suspected) narcissist. Its not about not having the kids. Its about being in control. Its not about me being in control. He cant stand that I have control after being under his and his moms for so many years. Its not about him being worried about his kids being misdiagnosed or over medicated. I honestly am unsure what that part is specifically. Maybe its about the extra work it takes to put medications in their drinks. Maybe its about me being right. Maybe its about him wanting his kids to be perfect. Maybe its about making me look bad. Whatever the real reason to him being so stubborn and uncooperative, its very clear the reasons behind his fake concerns, is definitely not for the well being of his children. I could give him everything he wants and live as if the kids have two completely separate lives. If there was no medical issues, I would. The least I would have to know what is going on in his life, the least I would have to communicate with him. My lawyer didn’t want it to come back and “bite me in the ass” if the medical issues were important I needed to stand my ground now or I wont be taken serious if it comes up in the future. So I did. I had no idea he would make it out to be like this. I am assuming, and my family is too, that he was really enjoying his freedom from the kids. Acting concerned while going out every other night. My mom works with him, so she hears about his week days and weekends on occasion. He has dinner parties, goes out to karaoke, travels, everything I wanted to do as a family. Well, and as a couple. I love singing. Its what brought my husband and I together. Karaoke. I suggested Karaoke so many times over the years. We didn’t start going again till I was trying to leave him. (hovering and love bombing). Then he turned it into his thing.  My husband and I do karaoke once every month and a half if we are lucky. We have been on one quick date since we have had the kids. My ex wouldn’t dream of giving up his life for his kids. He will just put them where he wants so he can continue what he wants to do and still act like a father when he needs to. Its so sad.

I am currently creating a timeline of all the times he gave up or ignored time with his kids. My offers. His excuses. When he actually did take them. How he feels about calling them. I will give it to my lawyer so he can get a basic idea of how much I have tried to work with my ex. He knows mostly because he has seen my emails from and to my ex. A clear timeline will be easier to remember and will work as good evidence shall my ex keep repeating I am withholding. We shall see though. I have been told “his kind” are not to be messed with in court settings because they see it as a stage. An opportunity to put on that good guy act and fool the higher ups. All I have is the truth and facts on my side. Only time will tell.